4 am

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4 am and here I sit. 4 in the morning and no one beside me.

I can't sleep. Too much on my mind. Where I want to be. Where I've been. Where I am, and where I'm going. Tired of being alone, but here I am. I have some one, but not really. She can't be with me right now. I'm not sure she really wants to be. But why would she keep me hanging on? Why would she keep hanging on to me?

I got no money, no prospects. I'm just a middle aged man with a bad liver who smokes way too much. Why would anybody want me? I try, but everything goes the wrong way and falls apart. I try to be a good man. I don't drink anymore. I haven't since 2005. When I'm with a woman, I don't cheat, never did. I've been cheated on. And still couldn't bring myself to screw another woman until I was done with the cheater.

I bring the woman I'm with flowers. I make her things. Hug and kiss her for no reason. Just to show I love her. Yet here I sit. 4 am and alone. No one to hold close to me. She can't be with me right now. 4 in the morning, I can't sleep and I'm alone. No heartbeat beside me to listen to. No woman's scent to make my soul feel at peace.

So damned tired of being alone.

I wonder what I've done sometimes. What sin have I done to be in this hell. My mind won't stop thinking. My heart won't stop missing her. Sometimes I want out so badly. I just want to stop feeling anything. What have I done that means that nothing can ever go right for me? I ask this of God. I ask for forgiveness in whatever it is I have done. He seems to have turned a deaf ear to me.

I laugh. I make funny videos and act stupid. I act happy. Inside there is torment and this seems to be an endless tunnel I'm in with no light to be found. No light coming. Dawn will come, the sun will come up. And all I'll see is darkness and a lonely feeling I can't get rid of. You see there is a woman I love. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. Maybe I have every reason not to. But I do. And she can't be with me right now. We can't be together right now. And it's 4 am. 4 in the morning and I'm alone.